So. You’ve arrived in the heart of Europe, but you can’t feel the pulse. You’ve got a guide book, but still can’t find the party. Well, the guidebooks all need to be renamed: Let’s Go Be Bored in Central Europe 2010, and Lame Planet. Those cats can get you to the Holiday Inn, but they don’t know how to get down. For that you must consult with Dr. Johnny Get Down, a Ph. D in getting downology. Only I can help intrepid travellers like yourself.

Rules every decent tourist should observe.
  • Don’t talk so loud.
  • Don’t go to the bookies to get your metro tickets.
  • Don’t queue with the Cesky’s for a three month pass when you only want to go from Namesti Republiky to Mustek.
  • Don’t complain so loud.
  • Don’t go around the tiny little back streets of Prague in groups of forty or more.
  • When looking up, (at buildings, smog, whatever), stop walking. You can’t see where you’re going.
  • Bear in mind that not everybody is on holiday. Some of us live here, and are late.
  • Keep your children on a lead, or at least under control.
  • Stay in bed. You’re on holiday. And if you can’t stay in bed,
  • Get out of my f*cking way.

Dear Mr. Johnny Get Down,

My guidebook says that marijuana is legal in Prague, but I can’t find any. I saw some Czech kids smoking a joint one night. I asked them where they got it and they said something that sounded like “volley”. I went to the volleyball court at the YMCA, but I still couldn’t find any buds. I’m almost shaking in my Birkenstocks. Tell me, Johnny how can I get down? – Hurtin for Herbage

Dear Hurting,

First of all, it’s Doctor Jonhnny Get Down. Buying, or “Scoring,” marijuana can be difficult in Prague – but only if you don’t know where to go. Steer clear of the kids at the hostel. They’re full of empty promises and bags of oregano.

Same thing goes for the so-called “Doctor Feelgoods” at Ujezd and Shatow La Rug. My sources at the Czech branch of High Times told me “if a gypsy comes up to you on the street saying ‘smoke, smoke chronic’ make sure your bags are packed, brother, because you are going on the trip of your life.”

Well, the good doctor knows a good lead when he hears it. I slapped on my best pair of dope smoking jeans (acid-washed to perfection) and my low-top Keds and marched over to the entrance of Shatow and bought myself a little ol’ vacation in my mind. And for only 1000Kc it’s a steal. (Three US Dollars!) – The Good Doctor

Dear Doctor Get Down,

Even though my guidebook is pink and has a disco ball on the cover, it still lacks useful information about nightlife options. I see other kids on the streets who go to parties. Where is my party? How can I find Prague’s hotspots? Help me, Johnny! How can I get down? – Bored in Bohemia

Dear Bored,

The nightlife in Prague can be summed up in one word: vibrant. This town jumps, jives and wails even when the Brian Setzer Orchestra isn’t playing! The key is just knowing what to look for. If you see a sign that says “HERNA,” that’s your key to all the magic nightlife of this magic city.

And if it says Non-Stop Herna, then you are doubly in luck – that means the party never stops! It just keeps on going. 24/7. These multilevel Bachanallian sex orgy clubs have slot machines in the bars by their entrance lobbies. That means you can bet that you’re gonna have a good time.

The real party goes on in the secret back rooms. Entrance is exclusive, but you can get in easy if you’re an American. Just talk loud and let everybody know just where you’re from! Kid around with them, call them primitives and third-world monkeys – that way, they’ll know you’re a tough cookie. Don’t worry, they like that. Be sure to wave around a 5000Kc note. You can’t get in with anything less. – The Good Doctor

Dear Doctor Get Down,

I’ve been to several of the clubs in Prague, and although I’ve had a good time, I’ve been dissapointed by the music. Don’t get me wrong, I love dance pop, but I’d like to get down to some wilder stuff too. Where can I hear some drum n’ bass, trip hop or psychedelic trance? I need some crazy electronica, Dr. Get Down! How can I get down? – Desperate for Beats

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Dear Desperate,

Sadly, it is true that the music scene in Prague is somewhat limited. There’s really only one source for truly wild sounds in this city. The best candy for the ears can be heard at Karlovy Lazne. The sign outside says “Biggest Music Club in Central Europe.”

That may be true, but you could just as easily subsitute “Most Avante Garde” for biggest. The five different floors play five different takes on the wildest soundscape this side of Pink Floyd. And I’m not just talking Techno! One floor played some of the deepest soul album cuts I’d ever heard. And the crowd? They’re not just there for the wild tunes, they’re looney tunes themselves. And the hyper modest DJ’s almost never bother the crowd by letting themselves be seen spinning records. – The Good Doctor

Dear Doctor Get Down,

I’ve been seeing a Czech girl for a little while now, and she’s a little bit wilder than me. I’m from Wyoming, and not too worldly. The other night she said that she was going to get us some Peek-o. What is this stuff, Doctor Get Down? How can I get down? – Perplexed Over Peek-o

Dear Perplexed,

Your confusion is totally understandable. What you call Peek-o is actually spelled Peacho. It’s a vitamin supplement popular with the Czech youth. Its ingredients include herbs, minerals and a little ginseng to give you the extra zing you need when dancing, playing street hockey, or rollerblading. Enjoy! The Doctor has spoken

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