Tags: deejays | hype | pop culture

Hello, my name is Alan Smithee.

Some of you may know me as a drunken regular of the Taz Pub, but loyal readers of this fine publication will remember me as the man with a bone to pick with Superstar DJs.

Recently I told Jeff Benet that a certain superstar DJ was passing through Prague. Now there's no need to name names here, so he'll remain as anonymous as I am. Needless to say, I was asked to interview said Superstar for this magazine, but I didn't even go to check him out.

Some of you sitting at home, shaking your heads in disbelief "How could you NOT go?? He's a Superstar DJ!!" Well, there are many, many reasons and it's time someone gave you the straight truth. SUPERSTAR DJS AREN'T ALL THAT.

I'm sorry. It had to be said. Now before you start thinking that I'm going after all your favorite record slinging jocks, let me just say that I'm not. It's just that in the music industry, just as in the film industry, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes crap going on.

There are cool people like David Lynch and David Cronenberg who make kick-ass movies, and there are DJs like Richie Hawkins and Jeff Mills who give you all the bang your buck could ask for - but there are also people who make crap films that appeal to the lowest common denominator, their musical equivalents are the people you're advised to avoid.

A favorite story of mine concerns a Canadian Superstar DJ who doesn't even play records! He generally hires a couple of local jocks to spin a set and then does a bit of shouting on the mic to mask their crappy skills. He gets paid 50,000Kc a night to do that sort of crap, but a lot of people still eat it up. It's quite sad actually. I don't think that many of the other Superstar DJs are quite that dishonest, but it is something to watch out for. For real.

A lot of time Superstar DJs are brought in by promoters you don't really want to support anyways. People who don't have a clue what the scene is really about, people who just want a big name to draw in the kinds of numbers that keep their nostril happy, or both of them!

A lot of times these parties are remarkably overpriced, because promoters know that a Superstar DJ will allow them to get away with it. Shame on them. They are taking your money out of your pocket and you're letting them. Shame on you.

Think for a moment what you could have done with the 500Kc you forked out on your last disappointing trip to see a Superstar DJ in action. You could have done what I did the other night. I walked down to the local Czech video store and snapped up a couple of fine Ron Jeremy films (now there's a Superstar who never disappoints! Go HEDGEHOG, go!!).

The bottom line is that corporately manufactured Superstar DJs are generally people who've had more luck generating enthusiastic response in boardrooms than they have on dancefloors. A few 'visionary' ad men go out and place some ads in the appropriate places, generate some hype, and the average consumer doesn't catch on until their money has already been spent.

Sometimes this charade goes on for years, sometimes it's short-lived - but now you know the truth. You know what you need to know to make an informed decision when you look at that fancy flyer or poster and see Superstar DJ Pedophile is doing a special, all-ages gig at Club Rectum for the low, low price of 800Kc.

When your friends ask why you didn't show, you've even got a convenient supply of profound answers about how it affects the scene. You don't have to be shallow, just say you didn't want to support someone who does lines of cocaine off the backs of 12 year old boys.

Say, that Ron Jeremy really is something, isn't he? I think I'll feature him in one of my films.