Just follow these simple steps and adopt the exciting lifestyle of the New Czech!
Firstly, you’re going to need some money. Lots and lots of money. You can get this from several sources; dealing drugs, stealing cars, robbing banks;
However we recommend finding a nice, stable business and then tunneling it dry. Any company with foreign investors will do just fine, but particularly popular are steelworks, glassworks & breweries.
You should be able to pick up one of these without too much bother from your local government privatisation agency. Just set up a bogus “investment company” and promise everybody on the tender committee that you’ll “see them right” once you’re given ownership.
Keep the foreign investors happy when they visit by making up some outrageously high profit forecasts, getting them drunk and taking them to a brothel. The key to successful tunneling is to keep your costs down. In particular you should avoid paying for expensive overheads like feedstock, power and employees.
Open a Swiss bank account and put the money there instead. Next, sell anything and everything you might find lying around your company – you’ll be surprised how much you can get for some of the shiny new machine tools or beer vats those stupid foreigners have bought.
At this stage some of your customers may start to complain that your steel is all rusty or your beer tastes like piss, but don’t worry, they’ll be out of your hair soon and anyway, as a New Czech, you are absolved of all responsibility to anyone but yourself. Remember – the world owes you a living now!
Finally, when there’s nothing more to pinch and your customers have stopped paying for your products, your tunnel job is done. Sell the company back to the government and send out the brown paper envelopes to all the officials who helped you through this difficult time.
Now you have lots of money, it’s time to start investing in yourself. You’ll need some transport (preferably German), a new wardrobe (Italian), lots of expensive gadgets (Japanese or Swedish) and a fit young girlfriend (your choice). For everyday transport a black Mercedes will usually suffice, and this has the added advantage that you’re allowed to drive down tram tracks and ignore traffic lights.
For weekend breaks to the mountains the discerning New Czech will use his soft-top sportster (Porsche and Audi both have some suitable models), although a Japanese muscle car with full body kit and alloys may suit the younger man.
Clothes must draw as much attention to you as possible and should cry out about the huge size of your bank balance (and therefore your manhood). In particular, look for suits with a lots of buttons, some extra pockets, and any unusual shiny patterns in the cloth. Under no circumstances should you remove the label with the tailor’s name from the outside of the jacket sleeve.
As a New Czech you can never wear too much gold, as this is the clearest indication to your peers that you are considerably wealthier than them. You may wish to invest in a small jewellery store to keep you supplied, and this will also serve as good cover for any of your future business activities.
Of all the gadgets you buy to keep you amused during those long, work-free afternoons, the most important is, of course, the mobile phone. Whilst small is beautiful in the mobile world, the disadvantage is that this makes it difficult for people to see and admire your good taste.
Solve the problem by selecting the loudest and most complicated ring-tone, and have friends call you at frequent intervals during the day, particularly at mealtimes. Watch the appreciation in people’s faces as you fiddle with the tiny buttons on your communicator for the umpteenth time during dinner at the most expensive (and thus, the best) restaurant in town.
Lastly, you should choose the girl on your arm almost as carefully as you choose your car, clothes and trinkets. Make your selection strictly on her looks and let your cash take care of her personality. There is still some debate as to the perfect model, but for starters we suggest blond hair, big breasts and long legs. If you don’t find this arrangement to your liking, then by all means try another combination of assets.
A word of warning though: for some of the better trophy women, maintenance costs can be very high. Be sure to monitor her spending closely or she will tunnel your bank account dry with breathtaking speed and move on, leaving you right back where you started.
So there you have it! Our easy guide for upgrading from a life of stealth and waste to a life of wealth and taste! Don’t delay – become a New Czech today!